Recent studies show that people in non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships have experiences that are the same, or sometimes better, than those in monogamous ones. Being poly brings new understandings of love, kindness, care, and getting needs met. It also requires more emotional administrative work.
This post does not intend to provide long-term healing or aid in addressing systemic concerns in your relationships, but rather to offer immediate tools for improving emotional de-escalation and communication.
“The Green-Eyed Monster” (Jealousy and Comparison)
New relationships can sometimes leave partners feeling less than or replaced with NRE (new relationship energy).
The comfort menu can turn something emotionally charged into a strategic, fulfilling way to meet your need to feel loved and cared for. Come up with a menu of things your partner(s) can do for you that provide comfort for what is bothering you. Maybe it’s a phone call, a time for coming together, cuddling, being intimate, or, more commonly, affirmations. You may benefit from understanding your language of love and attachment style, which a trained care professional can help you understand.
If you notice you are the one on the enacting side of the jealousy, and you are filled with NRE, its not the end of the world. But, it is your responsibility to try your best and be responsible about the commitments you’ve made to your partner(s). If you need space, or your needs change in general, its always a good decision to have a conversation and be honest about how much you can give. You can also help your partner come up with a comfort menu to request from you. You and your partners deserve to feel cared for and seen, which takes effort on both parts. This also means to learn how to self-soothe, demanding your needs get met because of insecure attachment is also not healthy.
If you’re finding yourself in a cycle that sounds like what I just mentioned. You’re not alone. This is a challenging balance to strike and requires deep empathy and vulnerability.
Calendar Fatigue
Struggling with scheduling and logistics is a great way to feel burned out and not enjoy your relationships. The most significant and most helpful resource my clients have used is a shared calendar. But the mental effort of worrying about scheduling is beside the point for this quick fix.
Make an effort to spend several hours with your partners, logistics-free. Devote some undivided attention to the relationship or people who are important to you. Caring for yourself and sharing each other’s time and space can combat burnout as very little else can. If the calendar is full, focus on shorter times that you can spare without interruption.
Boundary Concerns
Boundary blurring is extremely common because of the complex interpersonal dynamics in poly relationships. The best way to get ahead of things is to understand your own and your partner’s “rules”. Even with preparation, rules will still be broken, and repairs will need to be made. It’s an expected part of all relationships, whether spoken or not. It’s best practice in poly relationships to collaborate on these rules at some point in the beginning of the new relationship. One helpful tool is the stoplight technique: check in with one another on topics using red, yellow, or green lights to gauge the sensitivity of a subject and proceed accordingly.
Lastly, regarding boundary concerns is triangulation. Primarily, this is when one person’s emotional needs spill over boundaries and affect the “triangle”. A triangle forms when there is a lack of differentiation between partners. This means that one person’s emotional distress is managed in a way that brings others in as a primary coping skill instead of taking responsibility for their needs to ask for help or self-soothe. It allows us to avoid confronting what’s really bothering us by dragging in a third-party. This can be difficult to identify and even more difficult to heal and move forward. Seek help from a trained professional if this becomes too difficult or distressing.
Sometimes it is assumed that relationship or couples counseling needs a “problem” to fix. Maintenance is always better than repair, and seeking help is an act of courage and self-love. If you’d like, you can also read my paper on some best treatment practices in therapy. Its more focused on how a therapist can help but there are some good tidbits that might be helpful for anyone navigating polyamory.
About the Author: Allison
I work primarily with the queer community as well as with LGBT relationships. Care for individuals and relationships with ethical Non-monogamy is something I’ve devoted much care and time to. Schedule a free consultation with me if you struggle with navigating non-monogamy of many forms. You may be in an open relationship, occasional non-monogamy, swinging or just have interest in exploring within yourself if it’s right for you.
Allison Usery, AMFT #157106
Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist
Employed by Psychotherapist.Coach: A Marriage and Family Therapist Corp
Supervised by Lynndal Daniels, LMFT #78183
